I love, I want, I like my husband’s friend. He wants me. What to do?
I’ve been married for about five years. We lived just fine, we didn’t know any troubles. Paul is a wonderful husband. And our children are very kind. We have two boys and two girls. Paul has one friend, his name is also Pasha. I had heard about him for a long time, but somehow I didn’t have to see each other. And so, one wonderful day, my husband tells me that the same namesake, about whom he talked so much, will come to us for several days. I was all impatient, I wanted to quickly look at that very elusive friend of my Paul. The husband always praised him very much. To such an extent that I did not believe that such men exist. Friend Pasha arrived early in the morning by train. He took a ticket in a compartment, because he really does not like reserved seats. He simply adores comfort in everything. We have provided the conditions for our dear guest in our apartment, of course, all provided. He did not seem to complain. And so I, like a little girl, fell in love with my husband’s friend!
What a man that was! I almost went crazy when I saw him. And very sorry that my husband is completely different. Of course, it is a sin to say so, but at least honestly. My husband’s friend is much prettier and more confident than my Pasha. At that moment I was so sorry that they can not be exchanged for each other. And because of my weakness, I slept with Pasha, my husband’s friend. Yes, I did it. And ... got pregnant from him. But I will not tell him about pregnancy. I want my husband to think that this is his child. After all, he dreamed about his son. Yes, and I really wanted a child. I really love my baby, you can’t even imagine how! My son was born, thank God, a healthy and pretty baby. I know that I have sinned, so I often ask God for help. I hope he forgives me.
The husband does not know anything, and does not even guess. I think that he will not guess, and it will be completely inappropriate. He very much loves little son Styopka, so I will not upset him. I am a big liar. But I lie for the good. Pasha is a wonderful dad. With him, my son feels like a man, strong and smart. My friend Pasha, who became the father of my child, went somewhere far away on a very long business trip. To him I have feelings that can not be compared with anything, I, as a teenage girl, go crazy for him. I am very glad that the child is from him. These thoughts warm me in those moments when it is hard for me. When Stepan grows up, I will definitely tell him who his real dad is. And now it’s too early, he still won’t understand. He is absolutely tiny, now he is not up to adult problems, so far he is only interested in toys. And sometimes, when my husband is not at home, I talk with my son, explain how and what happens in the lives of adults. And he only mumbles something in his own language to my words, maybe he smiles. How nice to be a little kid! They have no problems.
I often think about Pasha, sometimes I worry more about him than about my husband. Of course, I’m doing wrong, but I won’t hide it from him all my life. I won’t leave Paul, but in my heart I dream of living with his namesake friend. More precisely, I already live, but only in my dreams. Sometimes these dreams take me very far. And it’s so hard to get back to reality.
To love and be silent is very difficult. I want to scream about my love. I want to tell Pasha that this child is from him. Sometimes I even dream that he would steal me and my son, secretly pick up. I want a lot, but I do not get anything, I live like this with hopes and dreams and I see no way out. At least I need to know what’s happening to him like him, and if he’ll ever suddenly come to our city. I want to look at him with just one eye. To see and understand why I fell in love with this man so much, why I can’t live a day without thinking about him.
But he is not announced. And I'm afraid to ask my husband. Suddenly he will guess. We practically do not talk about Pasha with her husband. I don’t even want to think what he can do if he finds out. It is important for me now that he does not suspect me, and we are not scandalous about this. I think that the son should not hear us curse. It is even very good that my husband is called by the same name as the beloved man. And then suddenly a “wrong” name jumps out unexpectedly. And even thinking scary how it might end, in the end. My husband is very jealous. He gets so much with his jealousy. I want to run away from his annoying jealousy. But nowhere to run, I'm sitting and silent.
I think he will kill a friend if he finds out that he is the father of the child. I do not want this to happen. And I delay the moment of truth as long as possible. So far it turns out. I'm sitting at home, but my husband is still jealous. I don’t go anywhere at all! What is jealous ?! More precisely, to whom? To passers-by on the street? The most ridiculous. But sometimes, when it comes to absurdity, it is no longer funny.
When I got married, I knew that Pasha was so jealous. But, until she met his friend, he seemed to me a dream of my whole life. Here even my father says that everything in life is known in comparison. And now I completely agree with him! I compared and realized that I do not like my husband at all, but I love his friend.
A life! What is life? Just a word, but how much meaning it contains. But how little can we change something in it. And now is not the time to philosophize. And so I want to give out something so unusual and smart. Learning to go to graduate school, or something ... For now, just a dream. Maybe, probably ... There is only skepticism all around. But now I have completely different concerns. And these worries take away all my free time. I already sleep a little. I didn’t get enough sleep at all, even those around me noticed circles under my eyes that appeared from lack of sleep. The question again arises: where will I get the money for plastic surgery so that become a beauty again? I need to ask Pasha, maybe he will give me his savings.
I often surf the Internet, always looking for my son’s dad, I think maybe I can find it there. But I can’t find him. He probably doesn't want to be found. And I still do not give up trying. For what? Yes, for the sake of Stepka at least. Okay, I won’t lie, of course, more for myself. I miss him so much. Only he takes all my thoughts.
How tired of everything! I did not take care of myself at all. As the gray mouse became, it was completely unlike a woman. You need to start monitoring yourself! Why am I completely dropping my hands? I hate myself already. And how can my husband endure me? And after all, I never heard bad words in my direction from him. I wonder at him. So, now I'll take a cosmetic bag, open it. Damn, I can’t find anything suitable in it, close it, then open it again and so on in a circle. I'm getting nervous. I want to find my image, but it doesn’t work out. He was lost somewhere. And the mirror doesn’t help me at all. Oh, how everything is running. It was necessary to take care of oneself constantly, and not only when she dressed up somewhere. It’s strange that I hadn’t thought about this before.
My husband recently bought me a mountain of cosmetics. I was so delighted with her that I decided to please Pasha too. Eyes fled from a variety of shadows and lipsticks. But I pulled myself together, then my eyes got used to this disgrace. And I started to put a "marafet" on my face. When Pasha returned from work, he did not recognize me and was pleasantly shocked. He said that he was very proud that such a beauty lives with him. But you know, I myself understood and believed it! If you believe it, then everything will be so! I knew before that I was pretty attractive. The figure only fails a little, I got better after giving birth. But this is also fixable. I’ll soon be a doll, you don’t know.
I love one, but I live with another. I do not want to live in reality. I want to be in the clouds all the time. I had no choice but to reconcile with my present. Yes, and the son helps to unwind. It is a great joy for me that I have my beloved son. And he is glad that he has such a mother who loves him more than anything. He still does not understand much, but the time will come, and he will learn the whole truth about mom and dad.