No, don’t think, I’m not crazy. And I'm not obsessed with romantic films. It’s just ... yes, it’s rather difficult ... In general, my life has developed into a strange mosaic.
I am attracted to women! Yes Yes! And I always liked them very much. And it doesn’t bother me at all that I am also female. But this is very confusing for society ... Therefore, I hide that I am not indifferent to people of my gender. And so I fell in love with a woman.
It’s very difficult because I fell in love with one of the women. No, not even that. I finally fell in love for real. How to tell her that? I dont know. And is it worth saying? This woman is my best friend, she is very dear to me, even just as a friend. And I don’t want to lose her at all. But I know for sure that as soon as I hint to her about my feelings, we will no longer be able to see each other, to communicate as before. She is not married yet. She is very smart, and most importantly, insanely beautiful. I will not hope for anything, because I know for sure that the one I love has a normal orientation. And I have absolutely no right to judge her for this. My name is Marianne, is it a beautiful name? She's just a miracle. She seemed to come down from heaven. And she deserves great human happiness. Therefore, I will not impose my lesbian feelings on her.
Sometimes I’m completely lost in the choice, how can I do the right thing? Forgetting Marianne - no, that’s impossible, I won’t ... Can tell her everything ... No, thank you! This option is definitely not suitable. Can completely stop communicating with her? If she had not been my best friend, then most likely I would have done so.
I think about her all the time, I fell in love very much, this has never happened to me before. These thoughts torment me very much. How to get rid of these thoughts about her? Sometimes I just hate myself for this weakness! But my hatred makes it easier for me not to become. And fantasies themselves do not disappear anywhere. Of course, I tried many times. But these attempts were all wasted, am I powerless ?! A waste of useless energy and emotions.
Once I read an interesting story about how two happy lesbians, trying different ways, decided to have a baby. And after all, they even officially registered their marriage. Oh, some are lucky, but for some reason just not to me! And I'm so sorry that I'm not one of them .... No, I don’t even envy them. Envy has nothing to do with it. I just want to set an example, a real, human one, which was actually, but not with me.
Yes, I'm a lesbian. And I openly declare to my friends so as not to cause confusion and shock in them afterwards. Only from parents do I hide everything. I don’t want to hurt them, they will get this information most difficult ... No mother, I think, can survive the fact that her beloved and only daughter is not at all like most people. It’s scary to think about father.
Once I made love to a woman. But at one point, our meetings stopped, since she had lived with another woman for about six years and was not going to leave her for my sake. It was very disappointing ... It's insulting, but not at all painful, since at that moment I did not have feelings like love and affection. All I felt for her was attraction. As soon as her friend went on a business trip, my phone began to burst from calls and SMS. The one who called and wrote to me, who, without her beloved for a while, “overwhelmed” me with passionate letters. But I'm not such a fool to believe her. The alternate airfield is not my case. I just enjoyed it. But I don’t want to go there anymore: this life draws even more than a swamp. I was very good at spending time with her in bed, but I always remembered that it always ends well quickly.
I even tried to build some kind of relationship with one man. He was one of a kind, since one was enough for me. It was so disgusting that I dreamed that all men on earth simply disappeared, and only women remained. Too bad, but this is simply not possible. But men curl around me, as if I had been smeared with honey, and they are bees. Well, how can they explain that they are not at all interesting to me, they seem to have covered their ears with their hands and don’t hear me at all.
I repeated a lot and often to my admirers that I was not at all in the same orientation, that they were not going in the direction they needed to go. Everyone had a completely different reaction. Many even thought that this was my joke. Someone simply did not believe my words. How often have I tried to change my attitude towards myself, towards others, and just become an ordinary person. I closed myself from society, tried to forget myself, got rid of this problem by loneliness. But I was short enough: I always gave up. Well, it's not mine to be lonely. This state always bothers me! Like the fact that people are very cruel. I fell in love with a woman! Why can men love her, but I can’t? And if necessary, then by all means, I will prove to everyone that there is a lot of masculinity in me. Only now my evidence does not mean anything at all.
But I really love this beautiful girl Marianne! And my heart beats only so that I wake up every morning and see her for the next unforgettable time. I’m just happy already from the fact that I can enjoy her company every day, talk with her ... Having fun talking in our favorite cafe, we don’t even notice the time. Let it fly unnoticed! In any direction! It is very important for me that there are moments for which I want to live so much. I want to be just next to her. I am so pleased to be near my beloved woman, but it is so painful to know that I can never touch her delicate velvety skin. Never ... It's so scary and painful. I want to scream from pain and cry from powerlessness. I know that there is no hope at all. There is not even a reason for doubting this, and this is obvious.
I don’t justify myself, and I don’t want anyone to justify me, saying that there is hope ... I just sometimes want to find very little human understanding in the souls of people. And here a huge problem appears: there are people who are completely soulless to the misfortune of others. "Soulless" people in my understanding are those people who do not know and do not know what love is, true, for which you want to give all of yourself. But there are many such people, judging by their stories ... These people told me a terrible secret: they live with their loved ones, not at all loving, they simply become attached to each other, or find profit in their soulmate. What kind of nonsense am I now bringing you here ... This is no secret to anyone for a long time, everyone knows it a long time ago! Yes, I do not blame anyone at all, no. I just want you to understand me, at least a little bit. Probably no one will respond positively to my request, but I do not ask. But I, one way or another, will always love my Marianne! And I don’t give a damn what people think about me, I just will love!
I live for her and will continue to live that way. I will hope, as always, to meet her, I will wait for them. This fact will not prevent our society from living its usual life without interfering in other people's lives. Those who do not agree with me are your problems, my problem will remain with me. For your understanding, I am very grateful. I want to wish you to experience that feeling of beautiful tender love that I feel! The main thing is that it be mutual, and the rest can always be discussed and decided. Meet such love as in romantic films between two women, for example ...